New Beginnings - Nursery

2 full days done at nursery, just like that!

When I was 7 months pregnant, we moved house. We were chuffed that the local village primary school was just a 5 minute walk away, and it had a preschool. How great! We'd be able to walk to and from school with other families in the lane, maybe sharing the pickups and drop offs when needed. I had foolishly missed out on childcare places when planning my return to work, so made sure I signed her up for Preschool in good time - she was due to start January 2023, just before she turned 3.

As things have progressed (or not), it took us a long time to fully admit to ourselves this wasn't going to happen. Alba needs more attention and specialist play/therapy, and to be in an environment where her needs are understood and met. The village school dream slowly slipped further away, and we 'accepted' that the best place for her to be was the nursery attached to the local additional needs school. I say 'accepted' like that because truly neither of us have yet. I think we're both clinging on to that teeny glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe she'll be able to go to mainstream school with the right funding and support in place. We've both found this week emotionally tough, and on reflection I wish I'd anticipated it and prepared myself.

I think subconsciously because it wasn't the nursery start we'd imagined, we pushed it to the back of our minds and branded it as any other week. Alba's been going to a childminder for the last 18 months and spent a day and a half with my Dad on a weekly basis too. She's used to be apart from us and us from her. She's happy, easy going and sociable. There was no reason for us to make a big deal about it, we'd just crack on as we do every week.

But we definitely didn't expect to be hit with the emotional torrent of dropping our daughter off at a nursery that's part of a school for kids with disabilities and additional needs. Watching children being wheeled out of cars and vans by parents and carers, many very obviously with needs much greater than Alba's. All these parents seemed so happy and smiley, greeting their kids' support workers and teachers with chatter and grins. How can they be so positive? How are they not just picturing themselves at a mainstream nursery or school, watching their kids skip in and shout goodbye? I guess and hope that this acceptance comes with time.

I didn't take a 'first day at nursery' photo. It didn't seem important, but now I wish I had. I don't want to look back on these days, weeks and years and regret not enjoying these moments, especially if we don't have any more kids. As a child I used to play in the playground with friends, pretending we were mums getting our own kids ready for their first day at school. I guess it's something I've had 'planned' for years, and I don't want to miss out on that. Next week I'll be taking a 'second week of nursery' photo and I'll treasure it. And when the time comes - whichever school she goes to - I'll do the same thing. This is our normal now, and we need to figure out how to adjust and accept, alongside giving ourselves the time and space to grieve and release. We need to be kinder to ourselves.

I keep reminding myself that we've got a lot to be thankful for. Not to invalidate my own feelings and emotions, but to make sure I also appreciate the good and cherish the memories. Although this isn't the step into education we had imagined, Alba's new nursery has a lot going for it. It's close enough for Dan to cycle with her in the mornings. The nursery part of the school is 'all inclusive', meaning she's with a mix of 'typically' developing children as well as neurodiverse and disabled kids. The facilities are AWESOME. The adult to child ratio is pretty amazing. They spend a lot of time outdoors. They go on trips. They can provide SALT (speech and language therapy) and physio in house - along with getting a walker just for nursery use. All in all were incredibly lucky to have this on our doorstep.

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”

You do you, Alba Thorne 🖤